It only took me 9 minutes to remove my ex-fiance’s handiwork from my bedroom mirror.
9 minutes to remove what I’ve seen nearly every single day for (give or take) 4,380 days.
540 seconds to remove something that I truly believed I couldn’t escape from; something that I told people that I didn’t even see since it had been there for my entire adult life.
Our relationship ended nearly 2 years ago. It ended with shattered glass and flashing lights. It ended so abruptly that we didn’t even understand the finality of it. He would reach out to me and I would look at myself in the mirror, see the words and instantly feel like I owed him something.
I believed that if you loved someone, no matter how toxic they were for you, no matter how deeply they broke you, you had to be there for them; you had to give them a chance.
I believed love was about taking risks; putting it all on the line and hoping for the best. I believed love meant sacrificing your spirit to make your partner happy. I believed love happened when a person forced you to feel their love.
I believed that was love and since they say “Seeing is believing”, I had to remove it from my sight.
9 minutes to remove what took less than 60 seconds and lasted nearly 12 years.
I wish I could just upload my memories in their entirety to the internet. Every time that I sit down and attempt to write out everything that’s happened these past few weeks it seems so hollow and empty.
My words fail to capture the background sounds of everything, the brightness of a color, the dizziness of illness, the emotional context of a heartbreaking conversation, the caress of a potential lover, the beauty of the world, and the lust for something different. My words hold none of the magic that those events carried with them.
I feel like I’ve lived these past weeks in a haze of booze, energy drinks, and shit food. Yet, I’ve also gone on adventures, experienced “experiences” (for lack of a better word), and stepped so far outside my comfort zone it’s startling to me.
I’ve danced in front of people like nobody was watching, I’ve flexed my sexual prowess, and I’ve experimented with my sensuality. I’ve learned to look at myself as an entire person and not just as a combination of parts. I’ve learned to care for myself in both spiritual and physical ways.
I’ve learned to appreciate my abilities to love, laugh, forgive, and move forward with the occasional backward glance.
I’m still learning though.
However, I’m going to take a more relaxed approach to learning now. No more binge drinking, no more drunk texting/calling, and no more contact with people I’m not really vibing with just because I don’t want to be alone. I’m dedicating myself to me and to the people who’s energies have inspired me in the most positive of ways.