You were someone who I deeply respected from the get go. Someone who I looked up to when I was younger and continued to look up to once I truly got to know you as an adult.
I told you all my secrets. I laid open my soul to you, but not in the most beautiful way. You saw the ugliest parts of it. You saw the part of me that was shattered; broken down from years upon years of mental and physical abuse. You watched me try to piece myself back together and you saw a me that truly hated myself for my inability to understand the why or how of what had happened.
You also saw something else. I want to say that you saw the beauty in my brokenness, but I know that’s not it. That’s much too poetic. I think what you saw was the me that could have been. The me that would been me if my life had gone differently and a part of me hates you for seeing that. A part of me truly hates you for seeing me not as myself, but as an idolized version of me. As your own projection of someone who I wasn’t, and someone who I had no intention on being.
The worst part is. I tried to make your projection, my reality.
I was fascinated by you. Fixated on you. I’d even say obsessed with you.
I changed my standards. I changed some of my behaviors. Some, not all. I wanted so badly to be yours. I wanted so badly to be the me that you thought I should have been, that I completely ignored the me that I was in the moment.
On one hand, you made me feel special. You treated me like I meant something to you. You treated me like I was worth investing in. You treated me like I had potential.
But, on the other hand, you made me feel worthless. You made me feel like I wasn’t quite good enough. That I wasn’t perfect. You made me feel like a failure. Like all the good things were just a bribe for my silence. A bribe for your inability to see me as I really was; A broken girl struggling to become a less broken woman. A bribe that was an empty statement.
“I wouldn’t say never”
How those words haunted me. How the possibility of a future with you clouded my present. How I stopped focusing on the things that I needed to clear up with myself. The things that I needed to get out of my soul and heart. I was out of my mind because my mind was such a fucked up place to be.
I wish you could have seen me for who I was. I wish you had listened to the pain in my voice when I asked you if we could be more than whatever we were. I wish you had heard that pain and done the responsible thing.
Because there was no way you were going to commit to me in the way that I desired and I know that you knew that was what I needed.
You were (maybe still are?) one of the few people who knew what I wanted before I even did. And I say that with true confidence.
I wish you had respected me enough to let me do the things that I had to do. I wish you had respected me enough to try to understand my thought process and to try and understand why I did what I did.
I wish you could have supported me, but I understand why you couldn’t.
You saw the broken me.
At the end of the day, I should have been honest. I should have been honest with you and myself. I shouldn’t have let my fear of losing you override all my common sense. I shouldn’t have pretended that I was fine, that I was ok with our situationship. I should have spoken up and I should have left you alone. I should have understood that you weren’t The One, and I want you to take that as however you want because honestly, there’s no wrong to interpret it.
I loved you with a love I didn’t know I was capable of. I loved you in the way I couldn’t love myself. I trusted you in a way that was unfair, because I trusted you with too much. I trusted you with the things that I couldn’t trust about myself.
At the end of the day, I put too much on you and not enough on me.
I want to thank you.
Thank you for carrying the load for me when I was too weak to do it myself. And thank you for teaching me a bit about myself and for reawaking passions I forgot I had.
I’m mine now,